Saturday. Rainy Saturday. Had a GTS this morning but I didn’t work out as I was organizing a picnic for the participants. I think I’ll take it to the treadmill for a light jog this afternoon or maybe just do my Pilates tape. Played tennis last night — we lost. Yuck. My serve was pretty bad in the second set. Guess it needs more work…. My game was good otherwise we just couldn’t close the big points. We gave them a good run for their money — tie breaker in the first set and then lost the second set 6-3.
So here is an argument for muscle vs. fat. Last night I pulled out an old pair of shorts. I knew they would fit because I last wore them in 2000 when I had lost weight. I was actually 5 pounds lighter then than now but I figured that wouldn’t matter that much. When I put the shorts on, however, I was shocked to see how loose they were. They weren’t too loose, but they were definitely baggier than they were in 2000. So that just goes to show that a lot of my size reduction is due to increased muscle. Even though I’m still a few pounds heavier, I’m definitely smaller. That’s a good thing. Of course I realize it is pretty sad that I’ve been holding onto shorts for 5 years that didn’t fit!!! (Or is that optimistic? I’m not sure.) I think it is time for another closet purge.
A lot more comments about my weight loss last night at tennis and this morning at practice. It is going to get worse before it gets better because I’m not done losing weight yet. I have a ways to go. I am just going to have to deal with it whether I like it or not. I can’t let these comments get in the way of my goals. It’s hard. I don’t feel comfortable with the attention or the comments. I notice I’m very excited to talk about my St. Anthony’s results and will blabber away to anyone who will listen about that. Eventually they start to walk away muttering “gee sorry I asked” as I’m running after them “wait, hey, I didn’t even get to the run part yet.” “Yeah, later, see ya,” they say. And yet, the mere mention of “gee you look great, you’ve lost weight” my responses become a monosyllabic grunt and I look down at my feet. Conversation over. Not particularly gracious. I’ll work on that.
I was watching my tivo of Oprah yesterday and she was talking about losing weight. She said something that really struck a chord in me. Mind you, I have heard her say this before, but isn’t all of this about being reminded over and over again? Paraphrasing, she said, ‘you have to value yourself enough to lose weight. You have to believe you are worth losing weight.’ I really started thinking about it. Do I care enough about myself to put myself first and to really think about food in a way as a nurturing agent? I think I do. I like myself. I think I deserve it. I guess I have to work on adjusting my head to accept the outer image of me and keep in touch with the fact that I am worth getting fitter, stronger, faster and healthier. Whatever comments people make, good or bad do not define me. I have to listen to that little voice that is quietly whispering — “I am here, I am worth it.” Sometimes life gets a little noisy and that voice gets drowned out.
Definitely the cat is out of the bag on the journey to Ironman 2007. Someone I barely know and have only seen a handful of times came up to me today and said “You look great! I hear you are on the track to the Ironman?” I almost choked on the non-core bagel I ate this morning at the picnic. “How did you hear that?” I asked. “Oh I don’t remember, someone mentioned it.” She said. I got really nervous. “For 2007” I stuttered, “2007.” I didn’t want anyone to think that I was so delusional that I thought I could do it even next year. I had a momentary panic that the coaches would hear my plans and be rolling their eyes thinking “an Ironman? She thinks she is going to do an Ironman?” I know that is silly because they are not like that. That is my own projection of my own insecurities. Nonetheless, I don’t want anyone to think that I presume to be ready for that undertaking.
There is something scary about putting your dream out there for everyone to see. Part of me asks all the time, am I just a delusional idiot? Is this a realistic goal? Are people snickering behind my back saying “she thinks SHE can do that? Who does she think she is?” But, deep, deep, down inside is that little voice again and she is also saying “you ARE an Ironman.” I want to let that little voice out and give my body a chance at being a real athlete. I know I have so much to learn, so much to improve. My running is ridiculously slow. My swim is slow. But I am improving. I am getting stronger. I am getting fitter and I can see movement along the road towards Lake Placid or Kona or where ever. (I’ve been thinking lately that Kona sounds really cool.) I know it is a long way away. I know I have a lot of work to do, but I also know that this is something I am meant to do. I’m not going anywhere. I’m in for the long haul.
So I got my package for New York City Marathon training. Are you ready for this? Training starts in two weeks!! “Get out!” you say. “No, really. It’s true” I say. I haven’t even finished Memphis yet and we start Marathon training in two weeks. I’m not too worried about it. We will be running 3-4 miles a day, 4 days a week with two days for cross-training. That will fit in fine with my triathlon training through the summer. I will focus on my running 4 days and two days a week on cycling. I’ll throw in two swims a week on top of either a run or a bike. It looks like that is our schedule for May and June. On Saturdays we will do our long runs but I don’t think those start getting long until July. They look like 5-6 miles runs at the beginning.
I’m really nervous and excited about the marathon. This is a big step towards my ultimate goal. If I can do the marathon confidently I will have a great base for starting my half ironman training in December/January. I will want to make sure to get 3-4 weeks of rest after the marathon so I can start renewed in 2006. I can’t believe it is already here. Two weeks and I’m on my way to train for my first Marathon. Marathon. Marathon. Marathon……
I think I better go do some pushups. I’m getting nervous.
I read this line the other day and I can’t stop thinking about it:
“All gains, whether material, spiritual, moral or mystical, are in answer to one’s own character.”
Hazrat Inayat Khan
Here are some more St. Anthony’s pictures:
(Melissa and Connie on beach before race start.)
(Connie transitioning from swim to bike)
(Connie coming into the finish line. Am I catching up to him? Or has he just passed me? hmmmm…. lol)